It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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