I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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