One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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