btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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