Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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