I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
