It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
