Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
