Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
