Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
