My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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