Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
