I'm drive I can fine osifer
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
