I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize