The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
