if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize