then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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