I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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