First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
