So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize