Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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