Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think my fart just growled at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
