Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize