Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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