Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
