I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
