If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
