Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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