no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
