The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
