so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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