Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
