i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
