i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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