so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
