Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
