I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
