At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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