the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
