Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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