Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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