who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize