I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
