Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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