ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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