I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
