Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize