Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
