All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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