Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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