my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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