Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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