I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
