Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
