she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
