I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He passed out mid-signature
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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