I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
