We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is my gift to your gina
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
