WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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