Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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