life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i think im in europe. pls send help
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
