Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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