kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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