Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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