shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
