yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
