Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
