We're facebook friends in real life
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
