I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
