I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you will always have a special place in my vag
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
