wake up i wanna do it froggy style
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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