I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
